My new computer arrived yesterday evening and oh let me rave for a minute about how wonderful it is: it moves faster than the speed of light; it has so many features that I'll be learning how to use them until the next version of Windows is released; it allows me to download, surf, chat, work in MS Word and PowerPoint simultaneously, without crashing. Oh it's wonderful, wonderful!

I have been running a few ideas for posts around my head over the past week, but they're all terribly serious and I'm not in a serious mood today - so the first On the Face entry from my sexy new computer will be a fantasy list of draconian laws I would pass...if I were the dictator of Tel Aviv.

1. A fine of $1,000 for dog owners who:
a) let their dogs wander around unleashed;
b) don't clean up their dogs' poop;
c) take their dogs to the beach (one isolated stretch of beach would be set aside for romping canines);
Those who fail to pay the fine within 3 months will be required to spend 80 supervised hours cleaning up dog poop from the city's streets.

2. No more diesel buses. I would institute a 5-year plan to phase out municipal buses and replace them with a clean, well-run and efficient subway.

3. Mobile phones must be switched off when riding public transport.

4. Taxi drivers who don't turn on the meter automatically, or whose cars don't have seatbelts, will have their licenses revoked. Also, any driver who insists on listening to Sarit Hadad or (shudder) Ninette on the radio will have to pay a steep fine (amount as yet to be determined, but it'll be a lot - trust me). Eyal Golan is okay, but keep the volume down.

5. Matkot may only be played on one beach: the one where dogs are allowed.

6. All the hotels along the beachfront will be torn down and rebuilt at various locations throughout the city, so that the sea breeze can circulate around Tel Aviv instead of being blocked by a fortress of ugly buildings.

7. No public urination. Violators can either pay a $1,000 fine or spend 80 supervised hours cleaning up the revolting smell that permeates Tel Aviv, using a huge bottle of disinfectant and a bucket of water. This law also applies to parents of small children who encourage their obviously toilet-trained tots to pee on the sidewalk instead of entering the lovely clean restaurant that's just two steps away, and asking to use the toilet.

8. Drivers who persist in blowing their horns in non-emergency situations will have their cars impounded after receiving one warning. This goes for drivers who park on the sidewalk, too.

9. And speaking of sidewalks - we're gonna widen them so that people in wheelchairs and mothers with baby carriages can move around the city.

10. Bicycle paths on all the streets, underground parking lots everywhere, and an anti-littering law that will come with a huge fine for violators.

11. No cars in Neve Tzedek. The streets are too narrow and so are the sidewalks.

12. All mopeds must have a muffler that will reduce the noise substantially.

That's all I can think of for now, but please feel free to add your suggestions in the comments.

I feel so much better now... Fantasy is a wonderful thing.