At the risk of sounding like a psychobabbler, I think, from reading your honestly revealing article, that your feelings reflect the ups and downs of all people's personal security, fear, and shame. For example, as my sense of self moves to the strong side, I am flexible, tolerant and open: when it swings to the weak side, I become rigid, intolerant, and closed. I am not consistent because I am influenced by external events. The idea that I could myself influence those external events through blogging is tantalizing. Sorry for writing what should be a blog post as a comment.